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Trying to Have it All

by Misha Bower

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    140g vinyl LP, inner sleeve with lyrics, includes a Precision Record Pressing download code. An all black-and-white design by Toronto-based artist, Paul Henderson w/ photo by Toronto-based photographer, Colin Medley.

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1.
I never wanted any more than any man who came before Yeah, life was good and fine and time was empty Until a letter by mistake one day, from a shiny town not far away Came signed with love and lipstick and perfume It said, ‘I know the lonesome glow of country moons And slow-rising suns that make our dreaming longer’ It said, ‘I never see the stars and all the wishing in my heart Has gone away except the one for you, my love…’ I always liked my company and in loneliness felt truly free Of other people’s gazes in the mirror Until a story came into my head of another life I could have led That put a chase for change inside my heart I left behind the lonesome glow of country moons And slow-rising suns that make our dreaming longer And now I never see the stars and all the wishing in my heart Has gone away except the one for you, my love… Big-city lights and starless nights And the shadow of another love Big-city lights and starless nights Led me there and led me on
2.
You feel what others feel You don’t mind bending to their will On occasion, when you get the sense It’s been too long since they had a say You want the same from me Mind and body synchrony But I’ve never been like you The only time I follow is when I’m following through You knew when you met me I’m a hostage taker, waving my mood around Yeah, when I’m feeling nobody move Or I’m going to put you down I’m a hostage taker, waving my mood around And if you’re waiting for me to surrender I’m going to let you down You think I’m cruel for loving hand to mouth Before I’m in it, I know my way out You’re a fool if you’re still looking for my heart I showed it to you at the start I’m a hostage taker…
3.
I want to be a family man, but I don’t want a family I want to get all that I can, but I want it to come easily I want a lover, wife and mother, fierce and full of light I want to save the settings on the best day of my life So, not now… Can’t you see I’m crazy about the way I roll When I’m trying to have it all?
4.
When he was a boy of ten, he never thought that he would be The kind of man who saves the town or one day brings it to its knees The kind of man who no one knows, whose name is known across the land When he was a boy of ten, he wasn’t yet that sort of man When he was a man of twenty, he left his wife for the open land She looked at him with ancient eyes he never dared to understand Later on, he recognized the look she gave him on that day But when he was a man of twenty, he bowed his head and rode away When he was a man of thirty, he took his gallop for his heart And at the lowering of his body, they said he rode dead for a mile The women cried and crossed themselves, said he was a wilful child Preacher said, ‘From innocence not every man can be apart’ That’s why he left his family early And died so young a man of thirty Always passing through the souls of others To clean the one he thought he dirtied
5.
I like love that’s loose, like a wiggling tooth that has no intention of falling out I like endless entertainment in my mouth And I don’t know about the truth, but I’m sure of the lies you tell with good intentions Like the one last night, about rooting all the tendrils of your life That’s why I like your company Unfettered by the honesty That lovers need protection from To hang on to their dignity We got caught in the rain and the lightning came and you said you’re living in the wrong time You couldn’t find your picture in the sky And even after it clears, I can hear the roll of thunder in the silence that we keep As you linger in the echo of your dream That’s why I like your company… If it’s built to last, you’ll need to make some laws If it’s built to last, you’ll need to break them laws You gotta serve your love like a leader leads her land With lies in the pocket and heart in the hand You gotta take that trade when you can ’Cause lovers need protection from themselves
6.
She followed a feeling to a high and mighty place One where all your gravity becomes a passing grace One that lures you with the promise of an overarching answer One where beauty takes the hand of every lonely dancer It wasn’t long before she knew she was travelling in the wrong direction Following the world’s applause for deeds of self-deception Sealing off her senses to light and warmth and praise Trying to pour a damning water over the gracious flame… Of misery’s faint glimmer in the darkest of minds As an ember glows in ashes while the sun decides to rise Or a voice appears, the one you hear of the unknown soldier, who you left behind Calling out from where you left the day-old ashes still trying to warm your mind She draws the curtain around the room she’s in To see herself in total darkness and find her only friend The one who helps her fall asleep, the one who helps her dream The one who helps her find her way to the truth so deep… To misery’s faint glimmer in the darkest of minds As an ember glows in ashes while the sun decides to rise Or a voice appears, the one you hear of the unknown soldier, who you left behind Calling out from where you left the day-old ashes still trying to warm your mind
7.
Bad Old Days 03:57
One thing I miss about the bad old days Ever since I got into a healthy way Playing it by ear to the clarity of fear Is one thing I miss about the bad old days Years ago, I had to leave the damndest situation Was it wisdom, was it weakness, to abandon my station? To leave even the hardest thing felt unnatural at first I had to lean into the treachery to make it through the worst I played the fish, I played the hook, I played the bait – I played it all To figure out the power game and how not to fall I flipped the script of right and wrong and played against the odds And added madness to divine disclosures of the gods But one thing I miss about the bad old days Ever since I got into this healthy way Playing it by ear to the clarity of fear Is one thing I miss about the bad old days
8.
I always had a thing for living hard I always had a way with wayward hearts And I won’t let my suffering and sin be taken By nobody’s saviour or a do-good man I’m coming in last, but I’m heading to first One of the meek who’ll inherit the Earth You only slow me down trying to tell me what I’m worth I’m coming in last, heading to first I live my life on a wall Waiting for desire to get set off by a fall No royal horses or men Ever know the shape I’m in I never got the hang of living right I know if it’s bad for me, I gotta try it Heard when I was a little girl, ‘Find what you love and do it well’ I said, ‘Okay!’ and made my way from the smoke into the fire I’m coming in last, but I’m heading to first…
9.
You don’t need to say your spirit is low You don’t need to say what I already know I already know what you need from me now Every day, I lift you up As though my arms were wings Without feeling a thing You go up lighter than air And I never tell you when you ask what’s on my mind ’Cause I’m all about making it easy You don’t need to say you’re uninspired No, you don’t need to say, I can see your fire I see your fire, and I’m fanning your flame Every night, I put you to bed Feeling like a king I don’t even tell you I love you It’s best when I don’t say a thing ’Cause I’m all about making it easy

credits

released May 24, 2019

Written by Misha Bower
w/ contributions from David Bower and Matt Cully
Produced by Will Kidman & Misha Bower
Recorded and mixed by Alex Gamble at Union Sound
Company and the Hive in Toronto, ON
Additional recording by Lisa Conway, Simon Larochette, Will Kidman & Misha Bower
Mastered by Heather Kirby
***
Album art & layout by Paul Henderson
Photos by Colin Medley
Printed by Precision Record Pressing
Released by Bruce Trail Records
***
Misha Bower: main & backing vocals, keys
Will Kidman: guitars, percussion, keys, piano, backing vocals
Lisa Conway: backing vocals
Nathan Lawr: drums
Dallas Wehrle: bass
Mika Posen, Kelly Larochette, Jill Sauerteig & Julia Narveson: strings
***
© Misha Bower 2019

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Misha Bower London, Ontario

Misha is a writer and musician based in Ontario, Canada.

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